I was talking to some ladies last week and they mentioned that in the blogging world it seems that people always try and put their best pictures and best faces forward. When in reality everyone has those days, that don't go exactly as planned.
I wonder if I fit into that mold. Originally when I started this blog I wanted to use it as a type of journal and a way for me to remember things that were going on in our lives. If that is the case why don't I write all the things that are going on in our lives? The good and the bad.
For instance right now, I am feeling very frustrated with the Jeff's church calling. I feel like he is putting in more than 100% (On Sunday he had a meeting from 6:30-10:00 pm, Tuesday he had a meeting from 7:00-11:00 pm, tonight he is having to drive with another member to scout camp to pick the boys up. He left at 3:30 pm (it's a two hour drive / one way) but with rush hour traffic on a Friday night, who knows when he'll be back home. Tomorrow he is leaving in the afternoon to go sale tickets for the scout fundraiser. Every month he has a weekend camp out. It all adds up.) I feel like it's been a huge sacrifice for him as well as our family. And what is extremely frustrating is he isn't getting the support that he should be getting from the church leaders. It drives me crazy! Sometimes I feel like between work and his church calling we never get to see him. I love him more than words can say, and it really hurts my heart when I don't get to see him very much.
Right now I'm also having a hard time balancing the emotions of trying to be happy for everyone who is having babies around me, and feeling so helpless with wanting so badly to experience the joy of pregnancy. I am at a point in my life where every where I look it seems like there are babies being born. I want my friends to know that I am happy and excited for them and their families. On the other hand it is such a struggle to have such a strong desire to want to have more children, and feel so helpless in the matter. I wonder if I'm not doing a good enough job as a mother, and that's why Heavenly Father doesn't want to send us more children. I hate every month when I think 'this is the month', just to be heartbroken yet again. I don't think anyone can truly understand how hard it is unless they have experienced infertility first hand.
I'm also having a hard time with feeling so alone right now. It's frustrating to feel like I haven't made any relationships yet where I can just pick up a phone and call someone. I miss the friendships with the people who are thousands of miles away. Jeff is always reminding me that it took months sometimes years to build those friendships, and I just need to have patience. To be honest I am really sick of that word, 'patience'! Sometimes I feel like that is all Heavenly Father says to me, "Shauna, just be more patient."
I know that in all reality my problems and frustrations are so small compared to what others are going through. I think sometimes that's why I should be writing all the details about what is going on in our home, in order to put things into perspective. I want to look back at these times and be able to say, "Yeah, it was kind of hard back then but we made it through those times and we will make it through other hard things."
And even though Bella was extremely cranky tonight and has been crying for the last half hour, all I have to do is look into the beautiful eyes of my children and husband and know that God loves me and I am blessed.
Onto a lighter note. I will now continue with the typical 'life is good' post, and post adorable pictures of my kids and handsome husband.
Bella has been climbing up on everything lately. Yesterday she got the steep stool out of the bathroom, and decided the doorway was a better place for it.
Who knew that my mop bucket would be so much fun? The kids started out playing nice.
Then Bella decided that Logan wasn't wet enough. We have been having a real problem with Bella hitting and throwing things. I have tried redirecting her, showing her how to be soft, talking with her, but nothing seems to be helping. Any suggestions?
Bella decided that water time was over when she dumped the bucket over.
It still amazes me how they can be doing the simplest things, and still look so angelic.
Last night I got to go on a date with my wonderful husband. We went to a great Mexican restaurant close to our house, and the food was amazing.
I had to take this picture for my mom. When we lived in Puerto Rico we had these amazing hibiscus flowers all over our yard. I think they are some of the most beautiful flowers.
Our little guys were in really good hands with this family. I think my kids were in heaven having all this attention, and being loved on by so many people. Thank you Geliske family for being so awesome, and letting Jeff and I enjoy a night out.
When the Geliske's came over last night they also brought the kids gifts. Today Bella was carrying her little pink poodle basket around everywhere. She loves it!
And look at how happy Logan was to get his new cars.
Today for lunch I gave Bella her first peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Obviously it was bath time right after lunch time today.
Like I said earlier Bella is into this throwing thing. It also applies to food when she doesn't want it anymore. Notice the pieces of sandwich on the table as well as her tray.
I think Logan could teach his sister some lessons on the proper way of eating a sandwich.
We were over at Target today, and I picked up these adorable sandals for Bella. I can't afford to buy shoes for myself, so I will live vicariously through Bella.
These cute feet and shoes make me smile.
12 comments:
First of all, I've always thought you had the cutest shoes. I have cheap shoes, but I love looking at really nice shoes.
Secondly, I can certainly sympathize with you on the many things you're having to deal with right now. I might not have had the experience of infertility, but I have had similar feelings of frustrations about other things. I know what it feels like to feel alone, to feel like you're 2nd (or 3rd) in line after work and church, to rarely see your husband. I know what it feels like to feel like an inadequate mother. Lately, I feel like a zombie, going thru the motions of life but not really living. The stress is just too much, and all I can do is pretend to keep going as if everything will work out. Relationships have suffered. I rarely do things with friends anymore. Luckily, my marriage hasn't (which is a miracle). Please call me anytime. I might not be quite myself right now, but I still have something left to give. ;) And you've totally made me cry.
I appreciated your honesty. I like real people--not the perfect facade ones. My heart goes out to you. I don't have the same trials, but I have my own just the same. Not being able to stay home with my girls just about rips my heart out at the end of every summer. I've tried to resign myself that I'll never have that luxury, but it just hasn't sunk in yet. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Cute cute shoes! If only adult shoes could look so cute. :)
As for your frustrations...I hear ya. I often go through bouts of jealousy and even shunning of friends when they are pregnant or have new babies. It really shakes the fiber of your being when you aren't able to get pregnant. I feel broken and not like a real women at all. It's totally annoying and not at all logical. But feelings are not logical at all. Plus, I don't know about you but I always feel selfish about wanting more kids when I do have some of my own. You know you can call me any time to talk about it. Or anything. I do need to come and visit with you anyway this month. I think part of the joy of having a blog is connecting with so many people, but one of the big downsides is not having any physical connection with people.
Shauna, I love your honestly in your post!! And I LOVE Bella's shoes, do they make them in a size 10?! :) Not that I would buy them for me anyways, like you said! :) And you're doing the right thing with Bella's hitting and throwing, just redirect her and show/tell her the correct behavior. That's all you can do and wait for it to pass like all other odd and annoying phases!
I am glad you put everything out there and are honest. When I see other people addressing their frustrations and insecurities, it makes me feel more like I can do that too without being a negative or person or bringing others down. Everyone has their trials and I see you every Sunday smiling and enjoying yourself (or so it seems) and it makes me happy. You are such a great example in a positive happy attitude and I secretly try to be more like you in that way. Hang in there and the hard times will pass. :)
If it makes you feel better I have tried to start several social activities in our ward lately and the responses have ranged from flat out No to "I don't like to socialize". The fact is you keep trying. The older I have gotten the more I have realized that people's busy schedules don't allow for really deep connections. Also I hate to tell you this too, but regarding connecting with your husband just gets harder the older your kids get. It isn't unrealistic to only have one night a week be the time you are able to talk and spend time together. I think this is why the church emphasizes a date night once a week so much. Now that Maddy is staying up later we hardly feel like we get one-on-one time. Cherish the time you get with each other, and carve out the time as best as you can. Your Sis
Shauna, I loved this "honest" post. I've been feeling so frustrated this week and really feeling like a not-so-nice person. YOU are one of THE nicest people I've ever met, so in a weird way, it makes me feel better about myself that even the nicest people I know feel the same frustrations as I do (even if they're about different issues.)
By the way, your kids are so cute. I never get tired of looking at pictures of them. I'm so jealous of that beautiful, dark skin!!!
Wow, we have the exact same frustrations right now, I mean EXACT! Husbands calling, everyone having babies and wondering when we are going to be able to add another. And feeling very alone and worried I am going to feel even more alone when we move out to Veneta. It all pretty much sucks, but I have really TRIED to learn that I can't worry about the things that I can't change, I try to remind myself of that all the time. And also I try to remind myself that I need to have a better attitude, especially when i realize that I have been complaining WAY too much.
It is really funny to think of how we are connected (as in knowing each other) and how much we have in common! Seriously crazy!
Hang in there!
PS- I LOVE bellas shoes! Lexi has the SAME PAIR! SO CUTE! Everyone dies over them! Hang in there! =)
I know it’s not very comforting when people say they know how you feel, but I certainly had some similar feelings when we were trying to get pregnant. I thought it was never going to happen and that was the longest year and a half of my life. I definitely don’t feel that you are being ‘punished’ for being a bad mother. I think you are an amazing mother and your kids are so lucky to have you. Just think of the eternal differences that you have made for your kids. That is very special and not everyone gets to experience that. Certainly, Heavenly Father had enough faith in you, that you could handle these trials. How extraordinary to know he has that much confidence in you. I hope you know how many people there are out there that support you in whatever you may face. … And you’re right, I love buying shoes for our Bella too. It’s much more fun than buying shoes for myself…
I hear ya on the superficial posts - I'm guilty of ti too! But I've felt like every time I look at someone else's blog its the freaking Truman Show going on - every day. Its made me not want to blog at all.
So your post is sooooo refreshing and I really admire you for your ability to be so honest. It is hard for me to be 'deep down lay-it-all-out-on-the-table' honest in a public forum like blogger, but reading your truth and seeing the comments people have left shows me how by opening up to others allows you to see how you are not alone.
So many people can relate to what you've said in one way or another and it helps to be able to draw strength from that. Hope your vacay is able to be a battery re-charger for you - enjoy every minute!
(Um... sorry I'm two weeks late in reading this) You are right on about the blogging thing, and yet who can stop it? I'm just the same in real life, trying to act like a "real" mom and feeling like a fraud. But as long as I can try to put on a "perfect mom" front, it will be so, right? Okay and second, WE think Jeff's calling takes up 110% of his time, and we aren't even waiting for him to come home at night! To his credit, he definitely puts forth more effort than anyone has in that calling ever, and I know those boys appreciate it, but it's definitely hard on you. Hang in there!
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