Is This Real Life?

*WARNING *WARNING *WARNING
This is a very LONG post.  Feel free to jump to the bottom of the post if you are more interested in seeing pictures of my cute, adorable kids.  If you want to continue reading just know that I warned you.
~-~-~-~-~-~
I have always thought of my blog as a way of documenting and keeping record of our life.  I have also struggled with reading other people's blogs at times because I have often wondered how is everyone else's life so 'perfect'.  The answer: It isn't!  I think often times in our daily lives we try to present our best face, when often times the world around us might feel like it is spinning out of control.  The fact of the matter is these last few months have been hard, extremely hard.  But the great thing is that with all this chaos that has been ever present, there has also been a calming force that has gotten us to where we are.  

So in an effort to tell it like it is, here is an update on our family and what we have been going through recently.

* As many of you know Jeff found out yesterday that he will not be continuing on with medical school.  We have been struggling with this possibility for awhile now, and to be honest it was almost comforting to finally have an answer.  The last year has taken such a huge toll on our family.  

   I grew up with my own father having a job that required working many long hours, and having to travel a great deal.  To be honest I struggled with having a close relationship with my dad growing up, because I was always the type that needed time to build a relationship with someone.  I do have to say I have noticed my dad has really tried in recent years to fix those relationships with his loved ones and I admire him for that.

   Getting back to our own family it was a struggle with Jeff being gone so much.  I know he often fought a personal battle with himself wondering if what he was doing was worth it in the long run.  Our kids are older and they realized when daddy wasn't around.  It broke my heart seeing their relationship suffer, because of what Jeff and I were trying to pursue.

   It also took a lot out of Jeff mentally, and physically.  No one can ever say that Jeff didn't give it 110% or that he gave up on completing medical school.  He put in hours and hours of studying, often late into the night and early into the morning hours.  He was so sleep deprived that often he would be asleep before his head even hit the pillow.  There were times he was short tempered with the kids, because he was so stressed out with all the demands that were expected of him.    

   We had many late night discussions and tearful talks about where our family was going and was the outcome worth it.  Jeff susscefuly passed all of the sections in his first year of school except for one that he missed passing by two points, or 0.56%.  I know Heavenly Father could have given Jeff those two point, but it honestly felt like Heavenly Father was telling us this is not where we should be headed.   

   So we now find ourselves trying to decide what our next plan is, and what will be best for our family.  This has been one of ~ if not the hardest trial that Jeff has ever had to face.  It has been neat to see him grow closer to his Heavenly Father and learn what the atonement means in his life.  I know Jeff has learned lessons that he would have never been able to without experiencing what he has over this past year.

* Financially things have been very difficult for our family.  We are trying our hardest to get our finances in order, but often times I feel like it is a vicious circle that we can't seem to get out of.  The kids and I try to find whatever activities we can that don't cost money.  Money is a constant worry that I have, and I hate that feeling.  Jeff is trying so hard to find a job and trying to provide for our family.  He has sent out so many different applications, and even has gone so far at to sending them to different states.  I believe he is looking in at least five different states.
   Ideally we would like to find a job in the Kansas City area.  I think we are both feeling that it would be a good idea to take this upcoming year to regroup, and decide what will be best for our family.  I think we both feel that we would feel better about figuring out our long term goals after we have had some time to think, pray, and ponder about what our next step should be.
   It has been one of the worst feelings in the world to not have money to pay our bills.  Although I do have to admit that the kids thought it was kind of cool taking a bath by candle light.  My kids and Jeff have been great teachers to me in the principle that your attitude can determine the happiness of any situation.  Jeff has talked about taking a year off of school, so that we can try and get caught up as best as we can.  

* I have been fairly open about my struggles with making friendships with the women in this area.   I remember before we moved here I prayed so hard that I could have at least one close friend when I moved here.  I think my personality is an introvert by nature, so making strong friendships is not my strengh.  When we moved here I met a dear friend that I considered one of the closest friends of my life.  For reasons that I still don't understand completely, she has slowly cut me out of her life.  Honestly that has been such a struggle and trial for me.  I still have no idea what I did to offend her.  I feel awful about the situation, because I would never intentionally hurt or offend anyone.  I've always wanted to make people happy and wanted everyone to get along with each other.  I know I need to just move on, but I have a hard time letting go of a friendship that I valued so greatly.

   It's interesting when you are going through a trial to see who your true friends are, because they are the ones that come around even during the difficult times.  Jeff and I do have a handful of friendships that have been an immense help to us over the past few months.  I'm grateful for people that listen to the spirit, and follow the promptings they receive to reach out to others.  We have been spiritually blessed by these people's example and friendship.

* My mom was scheduled for a trip to come visit us next week, but she decided to postpone that trip for a later time.  My head completely understands her logic in delaying her trip.  I mean we don't even know if Jeff will be able to find a job here in the area or somewhere else.  It makes sense to wait for her trip until we know what we are doing and where we will be.  Like I said my head understands all this, but my heart could really use a visit from my mommy.  

  Isn't that funny that no matter how old you are and even when you are a mom yourself you still crave that time when you can be the 'kid' again, and be loved on by a parent.  Who doesn't love a little extra help and attention?   

  I also wish that we had a closer relationship with Jeff's family.  It has been strained for several years, but we are all hopefully trying to get it back on track and to a good place.

   I often see how people are able to live close to their families or have families come for regular visits.  I guess I wish or covet what those people get to enjoy.  I know this is not a good thing to do.  This is the situation that we have, and we have to make it work.  But I will put it out there that if anyone wants to 'adopt' our family we would love to have some adopted grandparents close by.  Or if anyone wants to come for a visit we have an air mattess waiting for you. ; )

* The last thing that I have been thinking a lot about is how I have to go back in for surgery after this little girl comes.  The thought of recoverying from labor just to turn myself around and go back to the hospital is not a welcoming thought.  I wonder how in the world am I going to be able to take care of four little kiddos.  I suppose it doesn't help either that every time I go in for my monthly check ups the doctors always reminds me that the majority of these types of cysts are benign, but they like to follow up with the statement "But there are a small percentage that are not."  Thanks for planting that thought into my head. : )

So when all is said and done ~ yes folks THIS IS REAL LIFE.  These are some of the things that have been going on over the last few months.  Though sometimes trials seem never ending I honestly don't think I would change what we have been through.   One of Jeff's friends wrote him and told him that, "Tough times don't last, but tough people do".   I believe these experiences have brought us closer together as a family, and made the bond between Jeff and I stronger.  I have gained a better and stronger relationship with my Savior and my Heavenly Father.  I know that they are both aware of our situation and know what is best for our family.  In a weird way, I appreciate the fact that Heavenly Father loved our family enough to tell us that we were not headed down the correct path.

"In a very real sense, all we need to know is that God knows all." ~Neal A. Maxwell

Now on to some cute pictures of our little ones.  The other day as we were leaving our neighboorhood we noticed someone had stuck this little car by the dumpster.  I quickly pulled over and thought my kids would probably love this little car.  Boy, was I right.

 This thing was SUPER dirty.

 I decided it needed a good cleaning.  I read on a blog that Little Tike toys are like the cochroaches of toys.  They are so well made that they last forever.

 I had a heck of a time trying to keep Lincoln out of the car long enough for me to give it a good cleaning.  Every time I turned my back he was trying to climb back in it.

I sent the oldest two off to play, so I could try and scrub it clean before they started playing with it.  I finally had to tip the car over, so Lincoln would stop trying to climb in it.

 Not long after I started another helper showed up.

 And then another.  I finally gave up and just let them go to town on it.

 They actually had a lot of fun cleaning it up.

I've even seen pictures online of people that have painted these little cars.
Check out this one

It even comes equipped with a dancing hula girl on the dash board.  People kill me with their creativity.