These have been the best and worst days of my life

While being here in Oregon I was feeling a little off, but didn't really think too much about it. After a couple of days I began to think maybe I'm pregnant. I was a couple of days late on my period, and that never happens. I decided to get a pregnancy test, and guess what we found out.

After five years of trying Jeff and I got pregnant for the first time. I could hardly believe what I was seeing. I read the instructions like ten times to make sure I was reading it correctly. I even took another one just to make sure. Oh my gosh, I can't tell you the excitement and just pure happiness I felt. What a miracle!!!

I thought about waiting to tell Jeff until he got here to Oregon, but I just couldn't wait that long. I called him and told him to go home because I wanted to do a web chat with him. I told him the good news on the video, and I think he just about dropped to the floor. I wish he could have been here, but it was so fun to see his expression. I will always remember it!

We found out the due date of the baby, April 17Th. Four days after my birthday and on the actual birthday of my grandma Joyce. I thought about how neat that all three kids will be together when we get to go to the temple next week. My sister is also pregnant and due the month before. I thought about how much fun those cousins are going to have growing up together.

And then yesterday as I lay in the emergency room all of those hopes and dreams were gone, when I lost the baby. I always told Jeff that I could never go through a miscarriage. I know I am not strong enough to be able to get through something like that, and now here I am living that nightmare. I don't understand why Heavenly Father took this baby away from us, when we wanted it so badly. I don't understand why He gave it to us in the first place, if He was just going to take it away. I don't understand why I will always look at my new niece or nephew and have to be reminded about my own child that is gone. I don't understand after all that we have been through why Heavenly Father is making us go through something so devastating.

I just wanted Jeff to be there with me. It was so hard to loose the baby, and not have him there. He is on his way, and I can't wait to get in his arms and just cry. That's all that I want to do right now is cry. My heart is so sad and just broken into pieces. I don't understand why this is happening to us. I know we will be able to make it through this some how, but like my sister said, "It sure doesn't seem fair!"