Two Months

It's been two months today since we lost our baby. Looking back on these few weeks it feels like it's been full of up and down experiences. I remember going into our doctor a few days after we went through the miscarriage, and him telling Jeff and I that dates and anniversaries of events were going to be very important. I remember him telling Jeff to be mindful of those dates and acknowledge that they were going to be difficult for me. At the time I didn't think that it would be that big of a deal, but I find myself knowing when the 17Th of every month is coming (the baby's due date was also on the 17Th).

My sister called me the other day to let me know the sex of their baby, which is due a month before ours would have been. I find myself thinking about the fact of how excited we would have been to go in next month for our ultrasound. I'm a big 'planner' so I'm sure I would be dying to find out what we were having. This summer I went and saw the movie Julie and Julia with my mom (it's an excellent movie). There is a part in the movie where Julia Child finds out her sister is pregnant she is so excited for her sister, but there is also a pain that comes along with that happiness. That's how I feel today.

I don't want this post to be a total cry-fest for me, so I also wanted to write down some things that I have learned over the past few month. Like Charles Dickens said,

"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."

The first thing that I learned was it's OK to be upset and mad, just don't let it fester for long. When you go through something difficult I think you need to allow yourself the emotions that come along with that experience. I spoke with a wise man during this process and he reminded me of the scene in the movie Forrest Gump when Jenny goes back to the house that she was abused in and starts throwing rocks at the windows. Forrest says "Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks." When this first happened all I wanted to do was throw rocks, and yell, and scream, and cry. But eventually you have to get to the point where you let go of the anger, so the healing can begin.

"No one makes us mad. Others don't make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!" ~Lynn G. Robbins

Our infertility and our trials are often times by divine design. Our Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us, and it's in His time frame that things occur. I now know that we will have biological children of our own, but I also know that it is in the Lord's time frame not mine. When something hard happens I want to make sense of the experience. I want to fit it in a box, find closure, and tie a neat little ribbon around it. In going through the loss of our baby I began to realize that I was wanting what I wanted not what Heavenly Father wanted for me. Sometimes the only answer that we can receive from a trial is that God knows the end from the beginning, and we don't.

"We may rest assured that all things are controlled and governed by Him, whose spirit children we are. He knows the end from the beginning, and he provides for each us of the testings and trials which he knows we need. " ~ Bruce R. McConkie

During this experience I felt very broken and torn down. I know that one of Heavenly Father's ways of helping me was by surrounding me with strong and faithful people. That is another piece of advice I would give, is to turn to people when you are weak, because often times that's how Heavenly Father answers our prayers.

"God does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs." ~Spencer W. Kimball

During this experience I was reminded about how much power and strength can come from attending the temple and fasting. When this first happened my mind felt so jumbled and confused. I felt very far from feeling the comfort of the spirit. It was through fasting and going to the temple that I finally received the peace that I was so desperately seeking. Answers come when we stop demanding answers, and listen to the counsel the Lord is giving us. I had some pretty amazing experiences when Jeff and I went to the temple, and I was thankful for a place on earth that can be so close to heaven.

"Sometimes the veil between this life and the life beyond becomes very thin. Our loved ones who have passed on are not far from us." ~Ezra Taft Benson

The final thing that I learned from this experience is that Heavenly Father is aware of me and you. His hand is in our lives and he is aware of our desires, our hopes, and our dreams. He has a plan for each one of us, and it comes in his time frame. Often times we don't realize how strong we are until we go through difficult experiences. Knowing when we come through those difficult times, that it was with the Lord's help. I know that without the trial of infertility we would never have had Logan and Bella in our lives, and what a faith producing miracle they both are.

I know that Heavenly Father loves us because he sent his Son to this earth. Christ is the only person that knows exactly what we feel because he felt it himself. This knowledge brings great comfort. While at times my pain seems unbearable I also know that the moments of joy far out weigh my pain. All I have to do is look at my amazing eternal family and know that God loves me.

(Photo by Brenley. For more pictures click here. Brenley and her family are starting the adoption process again, so please tell people. They are an amazing family!)

These are a few of the lessons that I have learned over the past few weeks. I'm grateful to Heavenly Father who has sustained me and will continue to sustain me through out my life.

"And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold, yea, my soul was filed with joy as exceeding as was my pain.

And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions, yea, God has delivered me... yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will deliver me."

Alma 36:20 & 27